and ignite your bones, and i will try to fix you.
Me on my wedding day: you still like me right
So I was at a church retreat this weekend. We had a prayer thing where we all sang songs and if we needed to go to the front and light a candle, we could.
I first thought it was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Three songs in, I hear my best friend beside me sniffling. Then she leaned over and started crying. I knew why, and I told her to go light a candle.
I continued singing and then started thinking about what I was singing. I was singing about. Taking away pain, loving yourself. And I felt tears.
I felt pathetic. Crying for myself about something I don’t understand. But that’s when I did understand the candle. To instill hope. It was a dark room, and the candle provided light. I got up.
I walked over, planted a candle in the sand, and I just let go.
I sat down on the steps and I started crying. At first they were small tears. Then another song started, about to take all your pain and all your problems and let them out. I started sobbing and I was shaking and one of the youth leaders came and put her arms around me and I just leaned into her and cried. I started whispering that I was sorry. I repeated it over and over.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. And between the words I would breathe in trying to give myself air. Tears were falling and I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t help it. After the song I was still shaking but the sobbing turned into normal crying. The leader got up and went back to her seat.
I stayed and stared at my candle. It was melting fast, faster than the rest.
At this point I knew my makeup was terrible and I looked like death. I looked up across the candle and sitting there was a guy also at the retreat. I looked in his eyes and he didn’t say it, but I knew he saw my pain and he somehow just made me feel a bit better.
I heard the songs and I lost track of time but I’m guessing I continued to cry for about 30 minutes.
My best friend helped me light another candle and me and the other girls and my friend walked back to our room. After we got back I laid down on the ground and leaned on emily and cried the hardest I had ever cried. It was hard to breathe in and I was sobbing and moaning and she just held me and whispered shhhh over and over. After that we shared everything and my friend told us about her family life and her financial problems and abusive father and I felt pathetic because my issues were all self inflicted, but she talked to me later and said there is nothing pathetic about feeling the way I felt. We all bonded and you know singing and crying was just the best emotional let go, and if I ever need someone to talk to they understand.
I needed this weekend.
Why have a party when you can’t think of anyone to invite.
All my friends changed. So I don’t want to invite anyone.
Cheers to another birthday alone
to everyone with finals and exams and big projects due very very soon and haven’t started anything yet